I would honestly say it’s been hard to keep my faith and still go through my day. I’ve changed but it’s not like I’ve changed dramatically. It’s more of me trying to understand why things happen. Why do things happen the way they do? Why do people act the way they do? Why has my life taken a turn like this? I am trying to keep my faith but I am stuck soul searching for an understanding of life.
The first step is to know that I am broken and move forward from that point. I know some of you may not be religious but my aunt and uncle are pastors. I grew up in the church and most of my dayones grew up with me in that atmosphere. Being taught that God has a plan for you and everyone around you. No matter good or bad, he has a plan. The last time I prayed and actually went to a church hasn’t happened since January honestly. Like we went to my cousin’s house and prayed for him but I wasn’t really praying for him. I was staring around the room trying to hear what everyone else had to say. I was trying to understand why something so damaging happens to us. Then we are expected to immediately get back into our regular routine. People want things to go back to the way they use to be, but that’s impossible. I already had my daily crying session and just trying to understand where I lost my faith at. It’s probably when I thought I was never breakable and my family was untouchable. It’s not like my faith is completely gone it’s more so I have to build it back up.
How can I have hope without faith? I hope for better things everyday. Hope that the people around me stay strong as I bare the weight for them. I’ve always been that person that appreciates and tries to carry the load for those around me. I’ve always been that strong person that could never be broken. The pressure of the people around me to get back to the person I use to be is overwhelming. I am trying but stuck in my thoughts trying to cherish those people around me more because if I lost them how would I feel? My fear is bigger then my faith, the fear of losing those close to me. Trying to keep my faith but to busy trying to understand the reason behind why things happen.
“What defines us is how well we rise after falling”
This post hit home for me so hard. I lost my nephew early Nov. He was 3 years old battling a rare disorder call Ipex, since he was born. Not one time did I actually think he would pass away and leave us. Like you stated before, I thought my family was untouchable too. I haven't talked to God since, I'm so angry and I still want answers. I know this mind set isn't healthy at all but I have also change the way I look at life and why things happen. I never knew life without God and faith and from the months of me putting that lifestyle to the side I've only gone deeper in a dark tunnel. I hope to get on a better path soon but right now I'm stuck in a bubble still trying to understand why things happen the way they do.
I know the lost feeling never gets better it just gets easier to manage. Thanks for sharing.
~Alise
Kevin, my heart breaks for yoy man. Some wounds only God can heal, and Jesus is more than happy to heal those wounds. One thing about Jesus is that He also experienced loss when Lazarus died – and Jesus mourned. It's OK to mourn and have questions, but the good news is that Jesus, our great High Priest, sympathizes with us. God will heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. Jesus said, blessed are they that mourn, for they will be comforted.
That was super deep. I could definitely relate to how you're feeling. Religion is simply designed to help guide us through this life. Help us cope with the bad and give thanks for the good, because we all know things don't just happen. Often times we are not able to understand why things happen the way they do, but over time things start to make sense. Or even if they never do, we must convince ourselves that they happened for a reason, because in the end, they did. And maybe you need a break from people. Esp if they're pressuring you to be "yourself" sometimes you clock out mentally, and that's ok. You should go some where random by yourself one day and just meet people, no pressure, they don't know you so they can't tell tou who you're not being. Ya no? Lol… Well Kevin, I hope my feedback helped in some way and I will lift you and your family up in prayer. I know you'll be ok, your heart is heavy, but you'll always make it thru.
-Victoria
Thanks for the insight and reading
Appreciate the words of wisdom
Hey,
By now you are on part of this journey. It is a courageous thing to publicly announce you are contending in your faith and to share with people you may or may not know, and leaving a window for people to comment… even well meaning people can have sharp and harsh words…
I can empathize with your position, losing family/ having loved ones hurt/ 5 miscarriages/ having my back and mind broken in the Army… I don’t need to know the details in order to understand what it’s like to have your faith tested and tried. If no one else tells you, I will. It’s okay to question and seek. God is not afraid of questions, He implores us to seek, try and test Him and His word. Scripture has examples of people asking questions, not all of them were blessed for it but not all were cursed or corrected for it.
One of the most interesting examples of this is the difference between Mary and Zechariah. Both were told something impossible for their situation, and both asked how can this be. Zechariah was cursed with silence until his son was born for doubting the words brought to him, and Mary was not cursed. The only distinction that I can see is that Mary asked in belief, while acknowledging it was impossible for her, holding to and trusting that God can do what He says.
God does have a plan and purpose for everyone, that promise is found in Jeremiah 29. His plan is to prosper us, not to harm, to give hope and a future to us. Primarily this plan is with the finish line in mind, which means we should not look for great prosperity here. Though it may happen. There is an interesting dynamic to note. If you go to the slums of India and similar places, and visit the Christians there you will find they pray for the believers in America because of the trappings hidden in the luxury and decadence of our society. We talk about our poor a lot, but fail to understand what poverty truly is and just how much we can do with out and still be well off. This was made a reality for me on a missions trip to Northern Uganda…
God’s plan is complicated by this fallen world and humanities fallen nature. Our free will allows us to choose other than God and His will. Which tends to result in us and others getting hurt. If people don’t honor God, what hope do we have that they will treat His creation with respect?
But.
There is another promise (well a lot of them) found in Romans 8. We have the promise that God will work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. My back was one of many situations that looked like nothing but bad, but has been turned into something so good I do not wish to have it changed.
I was horrible in school, passed my senior year by the grace of God and was due to go into the Army. My plans changed and I went to complete my in processing determined to not go in. A guy from the navy came out and informed us that we were all active duty. I can still remember everything about that moment. I paced the back of the MEPS station furious, ready to drag someone over their desk and beat them to keep from going in. Out of no where it felt like a calming wind blew through me, my anger was gone and I knew God wanted me in the Army.
What made that event remarkable, was after I had given my life to Christ I fell away and got involved in some very dark occult practices. While I recognized God’s existence, I was not in a place to think or say “God wants me to go into the Army.”
While in I snapped the transverse process off of L5 and knocked it out of place. My rating is a grade 1 out of 4, but I have experienced loss of sensation in my feet (thought I was falling through the floor) and spent a lot of time walking like Frankenstein’s Monster. Despite taking 650mg of Percocet every 4 hours, 600mg of Ibuprofen every 12 hours, and muscle relaxers.
Then came the arms room. Before my unit deployed I would work 20-23 hour days, and took a lot of abuse. Guys who deployed would look at me and ask if I had PTSD, since I have never had a physically traumatic event happen I don’t meet the definition.
My parting gifts from the Army was a broken back, and severe depression with stemming social anxiety and memory loss. In 2004 I was basically agoraphobic, even someone just trying to say hi would create a panic attack.
In the years after my discharge I got into online debates trying to defend the martial arts system God had used to bring me to the cross. In doing so I felt obligated to defend Christianity because it was incorporated in our practices. Every time I would be challenged on something in the Bible, I would search for an answer and every time, when I found the answer, it felt like I had the calming hand of a reassuring father placed on my shoulder. This built a foundation in my life that I could always find the answer to any question in the Bible.
During those next 3 years I angrily demanded to know why God broke my back, why He allowed it to happen. I thought I was only ever any good working with my hands. I hated school and after many near failures had learned I was not the brightest person. In 2007 I had managed to make it into a church, was studying the Bible for the sake of studying. That year my heart had changed and I remember asking God to help me understand why my back had been broken. I couldn’t work with my hands anymore. I was told that if I picked up a pencil the wrong way I could lose the ability to walk.
In that moment God told me that it was because I needed to learn to rely on His strength, not my own. Instantly the sermons on the radio came to mind. All week every teaching had to do with the shepherd’s staff and rod. How a shepherd would use the staff to gently guide a sheep back into the flock, and the rod to break the leg of a sheep that chronically strayed away. But the shepherd would bandage the leg and carry the sheep until the leg was healed and when he finally put it down it was so used to being near him it would no longer stray. Also in that moment Zechariah 4:6 came to mind, it was a moto from my martial arts academy. At that point it had been about 10 years since I had heard it or thought of it. “Not by might nor by power, but by My spirit safety the LORD.”
It has literally become how I live my life and how I seek to be defined… one moment and event at a time asking “what would you have me do?”
I have come to accept I may not get an answer or explanation this side of life for everything, and even some of those things that I got answers for have taken on new meaning over the years…
Sorry about the length, I shortened a lot of the stories… I hope that this helps…