Reconnecting to something is always a journey but reconnecting spiritually, that is something else. The road is never easy but it’s a road that I have to take.
Honestly for the past year I feel that the amount of pressure from people to get back into church has made me not even want to go. I grew up in the church, my uncle and aunt are pastors so I know for me it’s very essential to go to church. I personally just hate being pressured into doing things I am not currently ready to do. The moment you pressure me the longer it will take me to do something or I just won’t do it at all.
I have friends who are very religious and sometimes I want to smack them just because they always seem to try and push their ideas on me. Give me time and let me figure out how I’m going to get back in touch with God, if I even want to do that. Until my relationship with God is good I don’t think my future friendshipsrelationships will get better. I can’t see myself with have proper friendshipsrelationships if spiritually I am not good. My spiritual journey is literally MY spiritual journey and until I feel like I am back on the right path then things will have to take a backseat. It’s not that I don’t want to go to church and hear the word, I can hear that anywhere, but every time I go back to my home church I see my sisters casket in the front of the church. I just want to break down and cry sometimes. I made it to my home church for the 2ndweek and I want to continue. I have to get past it and get better.
People don’t understand how things are damaging. When you don’t have the right people supporting you but instead pressuring you then things will never get better. Everyone’s life journey is different and I am just trying to keep my faith while trying to understand the reason behind why things happen.
I would honestly say it’s been hard to keep my faith and still go through my day. I’ve changed but it’s not like I’ve changed dramatically. It’s more of me trying to understand why things happen. Why do things happen the way they do? Why do people act the way they do? Why has my life taken a turn like this? I am trying to keep my faith but I am stuck soul searching for an understanding of life.
The first step is to know that I am broken and move forward from that point. I know some of you may not be religious but my aunt and uncle are pastors. I grew up in the church and most of my dayones grew up with me in that atmosphere. Being taught that God has a plan for you and everyone around you. No matter good or bad, he has a plan. The last time I prayed and actually went to a church hasn’t happened since January honestly. Like we went to my cousin’s house and prayed for him but I wasn’t really praying for him. I was staring around the room trying to hear what everyone else had to say. I was trying to understand why something so damaging happens to us. Then we are expected to immediately get back into our regular routine. People want things to go back to the way they use to be, but that’s impossible. I already had my daily crying session and just trying to understand where I lost my faith at. It’s probably when I thought I was never breakable and my family was untouchable. It’s not like my faith is completely gone it’s more so I have to build it back up.
How can I have hope without faith? I hope for better things everyday. Hope that the people around me stay strong as I bare the weight for them. I’ve always been that person that appreciates and tries to carry the load for those around me. I’ve always been that strong person that could never be broken. The pressure of the people around me to get back to the person I use to be is overwhelming. I am trying but stuck in my thoughts trying to cherish those people around me more because if I lost them how would I feel? My fear is bigger then my faith, the fear of losing those close to me. Trying to keep my faith but to busy trying to understand the reason behind why things happen.
“What defines us is how well we rise after falling”