I honestly didn’t take my sisters birthday very well as people provided constant reminders that she was no longer here. That kind of solidified it for me that she really is gone. Then it’s those other people that pressure me to speak to God but I hate to be pressured. Don’t tell me to speak to someone who I rather not speak to at this moment. When I am ready to open that door again I will. I’ve alienated a lot of my friends as some of them always make me feel like I need to be coddled. A lot of them make me feel like something is always wrong and I hate it. I try to be nice but just avoiding them at this moment is better than me saying something. I always say, “think about what you say to people before you say it. Those things can hurt more than you think.”
Being that I never bite my tongue, to maintain a lot of my current friendships I had to. Speaking out of just raw emotions and feelings is never good. Some of the other people in my life get it, I just want to be treated normal. That’s all I ask, yes I am still hurting but I am just trying to move forward. I found myself one night just having a moment of weakness. I try not to have these and if I do it’s once in a blue moon, then I go back to eating gummy bears and playing Pokemon Go. The moment when you know you shouldn’t question life but you do anyway. I feel everyone has that moment when they feel like nothing is going right and everything is falling apart. I really broke down, let the demons in and said a lot of things. Things that aren’t like me to say but it happened.
I found myself getting ready for work, cops pulling up to my door and being brought in for observation/evaluation. That just let me know and reaffirmed that I still have a purpose on this Earth. I knew that before but I know that more now. I let my thoughts get the better of me and that won’t happen again. These are my random thoughts but I will never let them consume me to the point I cause harm to myself. Life is a number of different roads I am just trying to keep traveling on one.
I keep trying to find a way to get through certain days without my sister but it gets harder and harder. Sometimes I just want to just disappear and stay in a cave but I know exactly what my sister would say. Still searching for answers and figure out exactly what happened but can’t find the answers. I am endlessly searching to fill the void but can’t even do that. The worst part is that people try to understand our bond and they can’t comprehend.
I tend to find myself waking up in the middle of the night and just crying. Crying because of the pain, loss and just the hurt that I am trying to deal with. It’s a process that I have to go through alone to get past it. I get it that life is so unexpected but I am so tired of hearing that. Tired of hearing that everything has a reason. Please just let me know what’s the reason so I can throw this reason straight out the door.
This healing process will take me time but I feel like it is slowly progressing. Every time I do something I think about, “What would Ketsy do?” and I would laugh. She would make some corny joke and tell me to get my life together. Loss tends to make you feel like you’re no longer invincible and that you constantly have to be on alert for your family. I just want my sister’s memory to live on and for her to be remembered.
I find myself lost sometimes when I am going through things. Not in the sense that it always happens, in the sense that I am doing something for the first time since my sister’s death. I am going back to something for the first time and she isn’t around anymore. I find myself faking a smile more and more, while getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Alienating those around me because of the pressures of being someone I’m not ready to be again. Attempting to continue doing the things I like but finding myself not being able to share my experiences anymore with her. It’s like a hot poker constantly poking and poking me, to remind me she is not here.
Slowly trying to repair the damage I’ve caused to myself, mentally, I try not to be a burden to the people I care about the most. Sometimes to forget I do things that I would do socially in the company of friends, alone in a car with the engine on. Not saying I would drive off, just trying to understand how everything happened and why doesn’t anyone have an answer for me. Trying to repair my connection to God I find that I am constantly being pressured to get better. Just pressured to be the Kevin I use to be, without Ketsy. Doing something for the first time without someone is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. It just makes you question everything around you and what you should be doing next. As my sisters birthday approaches I know a lot of people close to her will be feeling that void that they haven’t felt as much as me. Sometimes I just want to disappear but the important people around me catch me and bring me back to reality. The first time for everything will be painful but moving forward I just have to appreciate the time that we had. Life has so many roads that can be taken but the road you have to take without that person will be the hardest.
“Appreciate life as it happens. Moments will soon pass and you will wish you had treasured them more.”
Sometimes I find myself being lost in my thoughts trying to fix the broken pieces of my life. I was told that I care more for others than I care about myself. Even if I am not happy I like to make sure those people around me are happy. My therapist told me this. Yes I am seeing a therapist, a neutral person that knows nothing about my life that is giving me advice. I am normally the person giving advice and fixing issues. It’s weird because I’m such a strong person that I find it weird to talk to a person who doesn’t know my life but I know that’s the best decision for me.
I am a very positive person and try to remain that way without having the negative energy bring me down. I found myself getting lost in my path of living a better life. The fact that things started to hit me after the fact scared me. Depression is a serious thing and should be dealt with. I don’t find myself depressed all the time, I just have random moments of depression. When I feel lower the anything else and just cry my heart out. I know why I am crying and I am feeling this way but what can I do to fix it? I could talk to the people around me but they just tell me the same thing I can tell myself. I don’t like hearing things I can tell myself. This is a process for me to get better. People don’t realize that I was carrying the heavy weight for my family after everything with my sister. I just knew I had to get things done. Being that my parents are Haitian, they don’t really understand all the processes you have to do. I had some of my family to help me but things still fell to me to get accomplished. I didn’t have my moment to breathe, it all just felt like a dream. It still feels like a dream. Just waiting for that moment for my bald headed ass sister to bust through the door and try to hug me to death.
The fear that I have is that no one will remember my sister for the great person that she is. They will forget her and let her go by the wayside. I can’t let that go and won’t let that go. Even though I have this void now it’s all about creating a process for myself to heal and pick myself up. This journey is something no one can really help me out with but something I have to go through as Kevin. Life has always been a bunch of random puzzle pieces and I am just trying to keep my puzzle together.
“Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t Hurry. Trust the process.” – Alexandra Stoddard