I honestly didn’t take my sisters birthday very well as people provided constant reminders that she was no longer here. That kind of solidified it for me that she really is gone. Then it’s those other people that pressure me to speak to God but I hate to be pressured. Don’t tell me to speak to someone who I rather not speak to at this moment. When I am ready to open that door again I will. I’ve alienated a lot of my friends as some of them always make me feel like I need to be coddled. A lot of them make me feel like something is always wrong and I hate it. I try to be nice but just avoiding them at this moment is better than me saying something. I always say, “think about what you say to people before you say it. Those things can hurt more than you think.” 

Being that I never bite my tongue, to maintain a lot of my current friendships I had to. Speaking out of just raw emotions and feelings is never good. Some of the other people in my life get it, I just want to be treated normal. That’s all I ask, yes I am still hurting but I am just trying to move forward. I found myself one night just having a moment of weakness. I try not to have these and if I do it’s once in a blue moon, then I go back to eating gummy bears and playing Pokemon Go. The moment when you know you shouldn’t question life but you do anyway. I feel everyone has that moment when they feel like nothing is going right and everything is falling apart. I really broke down, let the demons in and said a lot of things. Things that aren’t like me to say but it happened. 

I found myself getting ready for work, cops pulling up to my door and being brought in for observation/evaluation. That just let me know and reaffirmed that I still have a purpose on this Earth. I knew that before but I know that more now. I let my thoughts get the better of me and that won’t happen again. These are my random thoughts but I will never let them consume me to the point I cause harm to myself. Life is a number of different roads I am just trying to keep traveling on one.