I would honestly say it’s been hard to keep my faith and still go through my day. I’ve changed but it’s not like I’ve changed dramatically. It’s more of me trying to understand why things happen. Why do things happen the way they do? Why do people act the way they do? Why has my life taken a turn like this? I am trying to keep my faith but I am stuck soul searching for an understanding of life.

                The first step is to know that I am broken and move forward from that point. I know some of you may not be religious but my aunt and uncle are pastors. I grew up in the church and most of my dayones grew up with me in that atmosphere. Being taught that God has a plan for you and everyone around you. No matter good or bad, he has a plan. The last time I prayed and actually went to a church hasn’t happened since January honestly. Like we went to my cousin’s house and prayed for him but I wasn’t really praying for him. I was staring around the room trying to hear what everyone else had to say. I was trying to understand why something so damaging happens to us. Then we are expected to immediately get back into our regular routine. People want things to go back to the way they use to be, but that’s impossible. I already had my daily crying session and just trying to understand where I lost my faith at. It’s probably when I thought I was never breakable and my family was untouchable. It’s not like my faith is completely gone it’s more so I have to build it back up.

                How can I have hope without faith? I hope for better things everyday. Hope that the people around me stay strong as I bare the weight for them. I’ve always been that person that appreciates and tries to carry the load for those around me. I’ve always been that strong person that could never be broken. The pressure of the people around me to get back to the person I use to be is overwhelming. I am trying but stuck in my thoughts trying to cherish those people around me more because if I lost them how would I feel? My fear is bigger then my faith, the fear of losing those close to me. Trying to keep my faith but to busy trying to understand the reason behind why things happen.