Category Archives: Ketsy

Routine


Routine is defined as a customary or regular course of procedure or in simple terms a regular procedure that you do often. We have many routines we perform daily with people around us and just in our daily lives. Each routine that we have with someone or a group of people is a bond that we’ve created with them. For example with my friends I am either the one saying, “next trip?”, sending funny videos or sending positive energy. When you are taken out of your routine, what do you normally do? If I was to stop sending positive energy, funny videos or asking about the next trip how do you think my friends would feel? To just immediately stop something that is associated with me amongst my friends. “Kevin stop sending positive energy, what’s going on with him?” It just messes with the flow of the world and the routine you are accustomed to. That bond we shared is gone because I decided to no longer do it. Sometimes a routine is lost because of other circumstances. You stopped dating someone or you lost someone in your life. In my case one of my routines I no longer have after my sister’s accident. 
I personally have been out of sync with a lot of things that I am use to. My sister waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me some random story. Me going out and coming home to tell my sister about a trip I took. Some elaborate plan I had for saving additional money to go on a trip. That bond we share is no longer available. I find myself crying often because I no longer have that routine I am accustomed to. I haven’t really been out as of late because personally everything is like hitting me. I would get dressed, ask her how my outfit looks and then she would scream,” looking good best friend” then I would be on my way. It’s not that I cry often with certain things it’s just like if it’s the first time going back to it and knowing I can’t talk to her about it, really hurts. Hurts everyday that the person I would go to for a lot of things is no longer around. I know some of my other family members and her friends still may not feel it. They expect her to come in the door and give them a hug or shoot them a text saying “I miss you.” Having a routine with someone close to you that is no longer available is like walking into an empty room waiting for someone to bring things in. Just forever waiting for the space to be filled. 
It will take a lot of time to get back to the person I once was. Sometimes I do ignore people only because I never want to feel like a burden. Reaching the lowest point in my life, only time can fix things. I am happy I surround myself with great people that I have created that bond with and noticed that “our” routine has hit a bump in the road. The routine you have with someone is that special bond you created with them. Never let it go and never allow others to try and fill it. It’s the special thing that you have with that individual.
“I believe certain people cross your life as guardian angels and some connections can’t be explained off words alone. It’s a soul thing, a feeling”

Trying To Keep My Faith


I would honestly say it’s been hard to keep my faith and still go through my day. I’ve changed but it’s not like I’ve changed dramatically. It’s more of me trying to understand why things happen. Why do things happen the way they do? Why do people act the way they do? Why has my life taken a turn like this? I am trying to keep my faith but I am stuck soul searching for an understanding of life.
                The first step is to know that I am broken and move forward from that point. I know some of you may not be religious but my aunt and uncle are pastors. I grew up in the church and most of my dayones grew up with me in that atmosphere. Being taught that God has a plan for you and everyone around you. No matter good or bad, he has a plan. The last time I prayed and actually went to a church hasn’t happened since January honestly. Like we went to my cousin’s house and prayed for him but I wasn’t really praying for him. I was staring around the room trying to hear what everyone else had to say. I was trying to understand why something so damaging happens to us. Then we are expected to immediately get back into our regular routine. People want things to go back to the way they use to be, but that’s impossible. I already had my daily crying session and just trying to understand where I lost my faith at. It’s probably when I thought I was never breakable and my family was untouchable. It’s not like my faith is completely gone it’s more so I have to build it back up.
                How can I have hope without faith? I hope for better things everyday. Hope that the people around me stay strong as I bare the weight for them. I’ve always been that person that appreciates and tries to carry the load for those around me. I’ve always been that strong person that could never be broken. The pressure of the people around me to get back to the person I use to be is overwhelming. I am trying but stuck in my thoughts trying to cherish those people around me more because if I lost them how would I feel? My fear is bigger then my faith, the fear of losing those close to me. Trying to keep my faith but to busy trying to understand the reason behind why things happen. 

“What defines us is how well we rise after falling”

 

Suicidal Thoughts


I understand when something traumatic and unexpected happens in your life people assume the worst. For the past 3 months I feel like people assumed I would do the worse to myself just because. Yes I may be in a negative space for awhile but that would never force me to do something drastic. Hurting myself would never lead to anything positive and I’ve always been a positive person. With all the pain in the world why would I take the easy way out and quit?
People would constantly say, “I hope you don’t hurt yourself” or “The world still needs you so don’t do anything crazy.” That got me thinking, “What crazy thing would I really do to myself?” I think it was the people constantly telling me this that had me at a moment of weakness. I sat down and thought really hard about it. It made no sense to me that they would say something like this to me. Maybe because I’ve always been a strong minded person that never breaks or was it that as of late I haven’t been that positive with people. Just because I am broken doesn’t mean I would do something that is out of my character. It might be the pressure of people telling me not to do it, that it instilled the random thought of me thinking about doing it. People forcing me to think about it instead of people just telling me to continue being positive. When you hear something so much you start to second guess the type of person you are. I honestly had to revisit some poems and put my self back in check. 

The Test of a man is the fight that he makes,

The grit that he daily shows,

The way he stands upon his feet,

And takes life’s numerous bumps and blows . . . .

I felt as this was a test to bring me back to the person who I was before everything. Sometimes I have my moments when I just need alone time but it’s all about recovering. I have never been the person to end my life or cause any harm to myself. I am normally the one talking people out of doing harmful things to themselves. I will never be a person that quits on myself or on the world just because something has happened. I love my friends, family and my life way too much to consider putting them through any pain. Darkness can only live here but so long before light finds its way in and guides you towards better things.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to weep but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit. . . . .

Before You Ask . . .


Honestly before you ask me if I am okay you should think about these couple things. I grew up with my sister and saw her everyday. We graduated high school together (Class of 2006) and she made high school tolerable for me. I honestly didn’t like 71.4% of the people I went to school with. I was extremely odd and weird but that is what makes me different. Yes we still lived at home with our parents because in some cultures they don’t kick you out until you find your place and get married. I would wake up in the morning (5 AM), piss her off by waking her up and say good morning. Throughout the day we would text random ass videos to each other, laugh and talk shit about each other. She had me create 2 Spotify playlists for her and keep them up to date, since we pretty much liked the same type of music. I paid for my Spotify but she had the free one and just subscribed to my playlist. She was included in my positive Monday morning texts, which she sent to some of her friends. She encouraged me to continue writing my blog because she felt it was real and gave people a relatable person. 
Now think about this, I can no longer see my sister everyday. Our 10 year high school reunion is coming up and do you think I want to go without her? Every morning I wake up and I pass an empty lifeless room. I randomly wait for a text from her but nothing comes in. I no longer listen to 2 of the 3 Spotify playlists I have. I haven’t sent a positive Monday morning text in weeks because I haven’t been positive. I still write my blog as it is easier for me to write my thoughts then speak them. Yes everyday I cry for my sister, while I’m at work, when I’m in the car, when I’m home and wherever I go. People say it will get better but when something unexpected happens to your sibling what gets better about it? When you have someone that’s an intricate part of your life no longer involved in it, life isn’t the same. At the moment I am fine but the next moment I could slip into a memory of her or something may trigger a thought about her and I will just be emotional. People ask me if they could do anything for me and my response will always be, “Can you bring my sister back?” If not, then please don’t ask the question.
Before you ask me if I am okay, I know it’s the nice thing to do but I will never be okay. Life has unexpectedly changed for me and I will try my best to keep moving forward. 
“Life is a series of unexplained events, unplanned laughter, unexpected tears, occasional sorrows and overwhelming joy.” – Susan Gale